Negotiations are part of everyday life, whether it involves contracts at work, discussions at home, or seemingly endless political debates. The best negotiations create solutions where everyone feels seen and heard, but too often they become more about ego and prestige than actually finding a way forward. So what is the real secret behind successful negotiations? Let’s explore this through two different examples, one from business and one from politics, both showing what we should, and should not, do.
How Honesty Can Resolve Conflict in Negotiations
A few years ago, I found myself in a difficult negotiation with a customer who wanted to return a technology solution they had purchased from us. The solution had never worked the way they expected, and they showed up with both the Consumer Council and lawyers, fully prepared for a fight.
But after listening to their frustrations, I discovered something interesting: the issue was not the technology itself, but that the customer lacked the time and expertise needed to manage the solution properly. They had expected everything to run automatically, which of course was unrealistic.
When they told us they were unhappy with us as a supplier, I responded with something that surprised both them and my own manager:
– I have to admit that we are not entirely satisfied with you as a customer either.
The room went silent. The shock was obvious, but after a short pause I continued:
– The reason is simple: We depend on satisfied customers. If you are unhappy, we feel that we have failed.
With this honest approach, I proposed a solution: a service agreement where we would take over the operation of the system. This would ensure that everything worked as expected, without them needing to spend time or resources managing it themselves. The result was that the customer went from being dissatisfied to signing a new agreement that created value for both parties.
How Ego Prevents Collaboration and Solutions
Not all negotiations are constructive. I saw a good example of this during a televised party leader debate on the Norwegian program Debatten with Fredrik Solvang. The country’s top politicians were discussing an issue where they appeared deeply divided, both on the problem itself and the solution. But when I read between the lines, I realized something ironic: they actually agreed.
The debate was not really about finding a solution, but about who would receive credit for it. For 20 minutes they wasted time discussing which wording best described the challenge, while the issue itself could probably have been solved in five minutes.
If they had set aside their egos and focused on collaboration, they could have walked out of the studio with a shared victory. Instead, we witnessed a perfect example of how negotiations can come to a standstill when prestige gets in the way of action.
What makes situations like this interesting is that they contradict what we already know. Research on teams, collaboration, and decision-making processes clearly shows that the best results happen when different perspectives are combined and participants share a common goal rather than individual agendas. Yet in practice, we often see the exact opposite.
In politics, this may not be particularly surprising. It is not only about finding good solutions, but also about visibility, trust, and voter perception. The incentives are therefore connected not only to the outcome itself, but also to who gets credit for it. This creates the paradox we saw in the debate: a group of people who largely agree on the direction, but still spend their time on wording, positioning, and ownership.
The challenge is not necessarily disagreement. It is the competition to own the solution.
Negotiations in Everyday Life: How to Succeed
In the customer example, success came from daring to be honest and digging beneath the frustration to uncover the real need. In the political debate, the opposite happened, where the discussion stalled because prestige and the need to be right took over.
Two completely different situations, but with one thing in common: the outcome is not decided by who has the best arguments, but by how we handle people, needs, and ego throughout the process.
Both situations contain a few simple, yet often underestimated principles for what actually creates successful negotiations:
Understand the Needs Behind Positions
Many conflicts are rooted in misunderstandings or unspoken needs. When you take the time to understand what the other party truly wants, you can often find a solution both sides are satisfied with.
Focus on the Issue, Not the Ego
Negotiations are not about winning an argument, but about finding a solution. When prestige and the need to be right take control, we lose sight of what actually matters: the problem itself.
Active Listening in Negotiations: Listen to Understand
Many people enter negotiations with a clear strategy but forget to listen. By paying attention and asking good questions, you may discover opportunities that would otherwise have been missed.
Build Trust Through Honesty
Honesty can feel risky, but it often creates an atmosphere where both parties feel respected. My comment about being “dissatisfied with the customer” could easily have been misunderstood, but because I followed it up with a constructive proposal, it completely changed the situation.
Start with Shared Goals
Instead of arguing over details, start by agreeing on what you want to achieve together. This creates a shared platform for collaboration.
Negotiation as Part of Everyday Life
Whether you are negotiating a salary increase, dividing responsibilities at home, or discussing a business agreement with a customer, the principles remain the same: listen, understand, and look for solutions that create value for both parties.
The next time you find yourself in a negotiation, ask yourself: Are we discussing this to solve the problem, or simply to be right? The answer may be the difference between a conflict that escalates and a solution that strengthens the relationship.
Because in negotiations, just like in life, it is not about who wins, but about what we can achieve together, and how that can lead to a stronger and more sustainable relationship.
