I’ve reflected on this many times, but this time I decided it deserved its own post. Have you ever been in a conversation where someone insists they know more about your experience than you do? I recently found myself in such a situation. While I was sharing something personal, the other person began to argue and “correct” my own story – even though they weren’t there and had no way of knowing what I had experienced. It was almost like I said I had been on a ski trip, and they insisted I must be mistaken and had actually gone skydiving.
It made me reflect once again on how we often use our own experiences and assumptions when giving advice – and why it’s so important to remember that not everyone experiences the world the same way.
How We Perceive the World Differently
It’s completely natural to draw from our own experiences when we give advice or react to someone else’s story. After all, that’s our frame of reference – it’s how we relate to others. But this is where what I call “negotiation” comes in as a necessary principle. It’s about approaching someone else’s reality with openness and humility, not with a definitive answer.
Imagine this: five people witness the same event. When asked to explain what happened, they give five different accounts. Why? Because we don’t just observe the world – we interpret it through our own experiences, emotions, and expectations.
One person might remember every detail of what happened. Another might focus on how it felt. A third might connect it to something entirely different they’ve been through before. None of them are lying – their experiences are simply shaped by their unique perspectives. This is why two people can go through the same situation and experience it completely differently. And it’s something we need to keep in mind when offering advice.
A Good Piece of Advice Is an Invitation – Not a Verdict
When we offer advice or insight, it’s easy to forget that we only see a small piece of the puzzle. A good piece of advice isn’t just about sharing our experience – it’s about listening and reflecting together with the other person. That’s where the real negotiation happens – when we make space for nuance, for questions, and maybe even learn something new ourselves.
Advice shouldn’t be a monologue. It should be a conversation. It’s not about impressing or asserting authority – it’s about support and inspiration. And perhaps even more important than offering advice is our ability to listen. What does the other person truly need? Maybe it’s not your advice, but your understanding, that offers the most value.
Sharing to Learn Together
When I give advice or share an experience, I do it with an open mind and no expectation of how the other person will receive it. My intention is not to convince, but to tell my story. I see it as an invitation to reflect – and an opportunity for the other person to consider whether something in what I shared might be meaningful to them.
At the same time, I believe that sharing isn’t just about giving – it’s also about learning. Maybe the listener will take part of what I said and give me something in return – a new insight, a different perspective, or a lesson I hadn’t seen myself. That way, the conversation becomes more than just an exchange of words – it becomes a mutual exploration and an opportunity for growth. It’s in these moments – when we both give and receive – that we truly grow.
A Thought for the Next Time You Give Advice
Next time you offer someone advice, ask yourself: Am I helping them find their path – or am I guiding them down mine? It’s a gentle reminder to meet others with humility and curiosity – not just for their perspective, but for what you might learn from it.
Many professionals – whether in banking, social services, healthcare, education, or other areas where people seek guidance – tend to lean heavily on past experience. It provides structure and confidence. But what if this situation is different? Maybe you were right the previous 99,999 times, but did you listen closely enough to notice that one small nuance that changes everything?
Even if you’ve read every acclaimed book ever written on the subject, remember: those authors were people too, learning through their own experiences. No one can learn everything before they start sharing what they know. And the same goes for us. This is where the art of negotiation comes in – meeting each story with the humility as if it were the first time you’ve heard anything like it.
Because if we give advice without listening, we risk not only missing the mark – but also losing the chance to truly help. And perhaps even more importantly, the chance to learn something new ourselves.
So the next time someone shares their story with you, pause and ask yourself: Am I truly open to the uniqueness of this experience – or am I interpreting it only through my own filter? Maybe that conversation will offer you an insight you didn’t know you needed – or reveal the one time you were wrong.
And maybe it’s that very realization – that we’re never done learning – that reminds us what it truly means to be human.
